Penny Thoughts ‘14—Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters (2013) **

PG, 106 min.

Director: Thor Freudenthal

Writers: Marc Guggenheim, Rick Riordan (novel “Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Sea of Monsters”)

Starring: Logan Lerman, Alexandra Daddario, Douglas Smith, Leven Rambin, Brandon T.  Jackson, Jake Abel, Anthony Stewart Head, Stanley Tucci, Nathan Fillion

So, like, “Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters” is, like, so trying to be so cray-cray amazes that, like, it’s like a pre-teen losing his… a-hem before he a-ha’s. This movie tries so hard to be good that it creates a secondary entertainment in spotting all the clichés and failed attempts of depth that it can possibly produce.

Now, I didn’t like the first Percy Jackson movie. Perhaps because I felt a story about demigods should pack a little more punch behind it than it did. However, under Chris Columbus’s experienced direction in all things magical, it came across its underwhelming effect honestly. This new film, directed by someone named Thor—which I can’t decide is a fact that is totally awesome or adds to the disappointing effect of the film—is like that kid that just can’t fit into the popular group but doesn’t let constant denials and even cruel retaliation stop him from trying.

Perhaps it’s the source material. Let’s see we’re given the exact same villain as the first film, even though he was supposedly killed at the end of that one. You can bring a villain back, but you got to give it a few episodes before you do. Also it appears he’s not paid any attention to the prophecies and histories with which he’s messing because his plan is to bring back the one totally uncontrollable God there ever was to… what? Gain power? No, he’ll make everyone his slave, including the one who brought him back. Isn’t that the whole reason the three God brothers—Zeus, Poseidon and Hades—got rid of the jerk to begin with? I’m just going off the movie’s own backstory here.

Anyway, the heroes don’t seem much like heroes. The villains work from the Encyclopedia of Stoopid Plans for World Dominance. And the dialogue is patched together almost exclusively from the Big Book of Hollywood Clichés. It’s a good thing these actors are getting way too old to continue to plan Tweeny heroes. Perhaps that means we’ll be spared a recasting and rebooting process for this lame franchise.